Journal #4

Dear Journal,

Today at session we talked about my high blood pressure issue. The main reason why I'm even going to this thing.When did it start how did I realize and all that jazz. She knew the times because of my doctor but this was more about getting inside of my head. She of course accomplished this with much resistance of course. I wouldn't be me if I didn't put up a fight.

Heart attack #1 and the realization of high blood pressure:

It was the weekend that my cousin Sam and his wife had passed away. I was sad about the situation and I handle my issues a little different from most. Since I only had myself for quite some time, that's how I deal with things; by myself alone in my own head. While trying to deal with this, my babes was upset as well. Due to something that his brother had said about him sucking as a brother or something that really ticked him off. I of course started to worry more about him and his issue, i tried my hardest to try to lend my support to him. That of course ended in a backlash w/ not so nice words. Me of course being the brat that I am and dealing with what was going on in my head, I really wanted nothing to do with him for the rest of the night. So I stayed quiet and kept to myself. This actually helped let me process my own thoughts and the tragedy that had just struck my family once again. It hadn't even been a year prior to him mothers passing and everyone was still grieving and collecting their thoughts on that.Then the unexpected tragedy of Sam and Denise taken way too soon, it was a lot to bare.
After a sleepless night I woke up remembering that i shouldn't hold a stupid grudge against my boyfriend and that the 2 are in a better place with Aunt Mary. So I tried to turn over and hold Comy in my arms but by then he was furious with me. It started with the slamming of the drawers and cabinets. Then came the vacuum at 7 IN THE FUCKING MORNING! LIKE SERIOUSLY!
I knew I had to talk to him to try to get him to calm down and figure out what the hell his issue was. That was until I saw the note by the bed saying he'd take me home. I figured he didn't want anything to do with me anymore so I should just leave him alone. Sadly I got up and started getting ready to leave. That's when I saw the note that set me off. I felt my blood hit a high that I haven't felt in years. All I could see was red and I was fucking furious. I had it by that point and I went to confront him about. I tried to make my case as best I could being that angry. I knew I had to walk away from that situation because I knew it was not going to end pretty. I would have either punched his lights out or I would have said something that I would have regret. Then the biggest pain that i have ever felt in my chest struck me like lightening. I had no idea what to do but clench it. My mind was going insane over the huge blow out I had just had w/ comy and the pain that was shooting through my body. I thought it was just my heart breaking because of the fight and the reason for it, but that couldn't have been just that. I've felt my heart seriously break before and it felt nothing like that.
On the way home I couldn't find a word to say. The pain completely over took me like no other, My mind was going wild and it was telling me that once he dropped me off that I had to finally just call it quits. I couldn't take being in another mentally stressful relationship again. I was just fucking tired of crying over some stupid shit he did or said. My poor aching heart couldn't take in anymore. I literally felt like I was dying and all I could do was cry. It's not like if I actually said something about the excruciating pain I was in, would have fucking mattered. Especially because the whole fight was based on feelings.
We of course made up. But the pain didn't seem to go away. I was so confused on why it hadn't by now. I must have been really broken up about the events. When something bad happens my mind always lingers on it a little longer than it should. I figured that was the only problem but I went to the hospital anyway. That's when I found out the my blood pressure has been off the roof and I suffered from a slight heart attack. After everything I have been through I just didn't even care. If I die, I die. If I live, I live. What the fuck ever though. It's not like people  really give two rat asses about me anyway.
I've had 2 more that I could get accounted for since then. The second one was during the last and second time that I convinced myself that I had to leave Comy to save myself. I couldn't take the pain he was putting me through anymore. Everyone wonder why I even stayed in that situation. Sam told me that she was going to break me if I didn't break up with him."If he caused you to have a heart attack what makes you think his bitch ass deserves you at all?" She would say to me all the time. My response would always be, " 1st of all he doesn't know because he'd probably beat himself up for it and it wasn't even his fault! Anything could have caused it! I'm always stressing out." "Over him!" She would always retort. "But I really love him more than anything! I just can't leave him..." The argument would always end with an annoyed sigh and a "Fine! Do whatever the fuck you want! He's going to going to kill you!" I guess she didn't want me going through what I did with her cousin (Aaron). I guess to her I looked like was spiraling down that path again. I put myself in harms way and constantly go out of my way for, just to be with someone who couldn't even respect me enough not to do the only few things I ask him.
 I guess I gave him an ultimatum without even meaning to do so. Everything just hurt so much that day. I couldn't even look him in the eye. It just hurt way too much. My heart, my head,  I knew if I did I'd call it quits for good. I had already convinced myself  throughout the relationship that I loved him more than anything else and he needed me. I couldn't leave him. Even after he told me that I was nothing but a rebound due to his loneliness, because his ex didn't want to get back with him. Heartbroken because I thought he had  found something special in me and he actually did love me but I guess it was just like all the other lies he told me. If I can stay then I could stay now. I think it would have killed me more to leave. I think the cause of my attacks are simulated from the thought of  not being with him anymore.I have never blamed him for anything though like everyone else did. I know it's my fault. Everything has always been mine and mine alone. So I would never dare blame anyone for my tragedy and especially him.
Now we've been better than ever. He's happy with the life he's leading now I think..... I just hope I did make some kind of positive impact in his life like tells me I did. I'm just convinced that I can't do anything more than ruin someones life. Since that's what I've been told for years....

I think the stress of everything else has been the cause of my most recent attack. Wearing myself thin, bending over backwards for everyone else, and holding back myself from anything.
I'm always being stressed out, pushed to my limits, and  wear myself thin for everyone else. Maybe because I truly enjoy doing it or maybe because I don't really know any better. I guess I feel better knowing everyone else is happy while I might not be. As long as no ones disappointed in me I can be reassured that I won't get too stressed out. I've learned to put my feeling and opinions aside for the benefit of someone else. Probably why I don't even have them or choose to even acknowledge them. It's not like what I  feel  or ever want to do is seriously accounted for. It's usually just pushed to the side or completely altered to the other persons liking. They will always win and I will always lose.  So I just always say it's whatever so I won't come off disappointed even though I just might very well be.  But like I stated before. Who really cares? No one... I just feel like no one truly gives a shit about anything or especially me. So why the hell should I. It's not like anything I say gets taken seriously; it just goes in one ear right out the other. Completely forgotten within the next 2 mins. If I don't contemplate on this kind of thing. Free myself to become some kind of 1 dimension robot maybe I'll be able to sustain my emotions and survive this fucked up world. keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up isn't going to help either but, it's the only way I'm going to be able to keep my blood pressure down. Saving myself from having more heart attacks. My caring to much has finally become my demise.